I will not apologize for being a “helicopter” mama. I will not apologize for watching my boy like a hawk. I will not apologize for not paying as close attention to you when we get together because I’m actually watching my son. I will not apologize for parking in handicap so we don’t have the dangers of a busy parking lot. I will not apologize for holding his hand even though he is nearly the same size as me.
The simple reason why is because we, like so many Autism families, suffer from elopement/wandering issues.
What does this mean? Z may take off on purpose or simply wander away out of curiosity. He may be running to escape sensory overload or just because he wants something. And the larger and more capable he gets, the faster he gets, and the more dangerous he gets.
There are countless stories of kids that eloped and most of those stories end in tragedy. Because for one, these kids just don’t understand danger. They will run into the street expecting cars to stop, they may fall off a cliff because they got too close, their minds just don’t calculate potential dangers like the rest of us do.
The other issue is water and the risk of drowning. You see, these kids are often obsessed and amazed by water. It is often calming so if they are running away from sensory overload they are attracted to that as a soothing mechanism. But the reality is most do not know how to swim. This is not entirely the parents fault. I would put the blame on program access, cost of lessons, and school districts not making this part of their curriculum.
And most of the world doesn’t get it. Z doesn’t look like he’s disabled. Watch him for about 5 minutes and you’ll see it. But most won’t wait for that. They take one look at us and label ME the overprotective mother hen. They believe I am harming my child for not letting him have “space”. They think I am paranoid for believing he will run away. They think I “baby” him. I can see this in their glances they think I don’t see and that I’m desperately trying to ignore. I have even heard it right to my face. I have friends/family that don’t believe me because it magically hasn’t happened in front of them.
But I have seen it. I’ve seen him run into the street, I’ve seen him run through a busy parking lot, I’ve had him take off in a store, he is attracted to pools/lakes/oceans, he can’t swim, and I’ve chased him more than I would like to admit.
So this is always hard to deal with. I am always watching other families and the kids running wild around the mom and she’s barely paying attention. I see the parents at the park on benches totally engrossed in their phones or other moms instead of following their kids. I see kids walking or riding bikes/scooters ahead of their parents on the sidewalk and just when I’m nervous when they get close to an intersection, they stop… they stop… I can’t help but feel jealousy creep in. I can’t help but feel that it’s not fair that we struggle with this yet get blamed for being a bad parent. I’m getting more calloused about it but for a long time (and even now) I didn’t want to go anywhere just so I wouldn’t face that.
I remember early on, I saw an older woman with a mentally disabled older son and she was walking through the grocery store with their arms linked at the elbow. I remember thinking “well, that looks more normal than holding my grown kid’s hand or chasing after him”. That looks like love and like he was helping her instead of the other way around. I have adopted this when Z will let me just so things appear more “normal”.
My point in this post is to open your eyes and heart if you see one of these “helicopter” mamas. You never know what could be behind the caution and it is much better to trust in their judgment as the parent than to judge them for the parent you think they should be. Chances are they can’t be that parent and are doing the best with what they got.
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Tilted Axis 