Let’s talk about what autism “looks like”…
I have heard the statement “but he looks so normal!” so many times. When people hear the word “disabled” they automatically get a visual in their mind of what that person might look like. I know before Z’s autism I made this same mistake. If there is something wrong with someone you should be able to see it, right? I’m here to tell you this is soooo not the case. There are so many disabilities and illnesses that are only internal. There are so many people quietly struggling.
For Autism, we are talking about a spectrum. Sure, if someone is on the extremely severe end, there might be external signs. But that is probably due to another disability on top of autism (there are typically multiple things going on). Just think about it, why would there be a difference in appearance? Everything is internal. The brain is wired differently.
This isn’t to say that Z looks normal at all times. Sit and watch him for about 10 min and you will figure out something is up. When Z was younger these types of things were “hidden” to an extent. All babies develop at different times. All babies do parallel play. All babies are in daipers. All babies are non-verbal. I fit in everywhere without having to really explain things. As Z got older and the gap widened, I started making statements such as “Oh, he doesn’t talk very much” or “He’s very excited!”. At 10 years old, there is not much to say as we have run out of excuses.
Honestly, here is how it goes in the world. First, people glance at Z. A few minutes later, Z has probably squealed, flapped his arms, or some other stim and there is ALWAYS the double take. Next is the more obvious stare as they try and figure out what is “wrong” with him. Then I get a look of either pity or annoyance (depending on whether they have decided that he must be mentally disabled or whether I’m just a bad parent). I can either brush it off and move on, leaving them in their ignorance. Or, if I am not in the mood, I can try and explain the cliff notes version. Or, if I am REALLY not in the mood, I will just snap and remind them of their manners.
I know physical disabilities have to be harder than what we deal with, but sometimes I envy them. It is obvious something is going on and society has really worked hard at teaching us how to treat them well. If you see someone in a wheelchair, how many of you will go out of your way to try and help them? With autism, it is different. How many of you knew as much about the challenges of autism prior to what I have shared? Even when I do take the time to share with others, there are always the critics who do not believe autism exists. It is simply poor parenting. It is just me taking advantage of things like the handicap parking, free babysitters (i.e., respite), amusement park access passes…
Actually “seeing” autism takes time. It won’t be immediately obvious. But people (especially the critics) will not make the time. They will not say “hey, why don’t I come over and learn about autism and how it impacts Z and you”? At the same time I acknowledge that we don’t leave the house very often for visits or events so we are not really giving the opportunity. We are usually very aware of how long we have before things go bad for Z when others are around. We are just not there yet in our coping with autism to lay it all out there and make it be all about us. We are usually in and out in a couple of hours, high fiving in the car that things went so well, no one could really tell.
I think what I am trying to say is to try not to pass judgment on others in your 10 minute interaction. You absolutely never know what is going on in another person’s life. If you see someone acting a little “off”, how about just showing respect. That might be a helpful hand, a small reassuring smile, or even a pat on the back.
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Tilted Axis 