I have been blessed with two amazing step-daughters. I couldn’t have asked for more caring, compassionate and welcoming girls. A year after our wedding, we welcomed Z and I was blown away by these girls and their love for their brother. I know it couldn’t have been easy to have these two major changes occur in their young lived and am thankful every day for their acceptance.
Little did we know what we would be adding to the family when we were planning for our bundle of joy. I thought, “Well, we already are a crazy family, what is one more?” I was naive and didn’t think about the “what ifs” as women do today.
Now, I can try and say I didn’t ask for this, but that’s not fair because I chose to have a baby with all the uncertainties that come with that. But these girls did NOT ask for this and yet there was zero hesitation in bringing this sweet boy under their wings.
Let’s set the stage a bit.. Andi was 14 years old and Summer was 10. Both pretty independent and doing great at school. I’m sure the idea of a screaming baby in their lives at that point seemed like both a nuisance and a fun adventure.
Z came along and he was a handful from the beginning. He could go zero to sixty in no time and I’m sure he kept them up at night. As he started missing milestones they took it in stride with us. Back then, we had no idea and just thought he was “different”. But once we figured out what was going on, things made sense but also got harder. There were feelings that we, as adults, had to work through and I am sure they felt that. I am sure they had their own feelings they were working through. At the time, I was too wrapped up in what MY loss was, not what they may be losing out on.
Z took up more than his fair share of our attention, efforts, and funds. I have never heard a single complaint from either of them (although they definitely should be able to). As a parent, spreading your time among your kids is hard, but when one is so demanding there just isn’t enough time for everyone. What would their lives have been like without this added burden?
I will not deny that siblings tend to not get as much attention, that they take a step back for their brother/sister with special needs. I understand the emotional impact that will have on them. But I also know the power of inclusion. I know the power someone with special needs has on other people and the lessons they can teach others. Kids aren’t born with biased thinking, they are taught that. So if they are part of that life from the beginning, they develop the same caretaker skills that they will carry with them throughout their life. My girls are caring, honest, self-less. They help others whenever they can. They know what true hardship is so they don’t sweat the small things.
Summer has been right there next to us on this path, as twisted as it is. She loves her brother more than anyone can know and has sacrificed much for him. I know it was hard. There she was in her teenage years having to endure the stares we got in public, for the crazy driving experiences, for the running after him, for the tantrums at the dinner table, for the sleepless nights, for the dine-in restaurant meals, for the exercise needed for his high energy, and mainly for the sheer exhaustion of it all. There were many days she came home from a full day at school, helped with the inside/outside chores, helped with dinner, helped with Z, then FINALLY got to her homework while we often passed out at 8pm. All without a single complaint. I NEVER once heard her say anything negative towards her brother.
I am so thankful for both of these girls and for how they interact with Z. Summer has high expectations and does not let him get away with anything. His autism is NOT an excuse for him and she pushes him to be his best. Yet she can be patient and cares for him like a true mama bear. Andi treats him like any typical little brother and celebrates each of his successes, no matter how small.
In a world like today with all of the shootings and hate, it makes me wonder just where would we be if we had total inclusion? If every kid grew up closely with those with special needs? Would it be enough to erase the hate plaguing our community? Would there be more compassion? Instead of everyone being out for themselves, would we live in a world where those with special needs were guaranteed a full fruitful life with all the support they could need? Would everyone reach a hand out to their “brother” or “sister” in need without question or complaint? Would they try and give others the best life possible? Think about it…
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Tilted Axis 