A common misconception of people with Autism is that they are anti-social. It isn’t that they do not want to be social or that they hate everyone. I think the issue actually lies in either their inability to communicate properly or in the other person’s inability to accept their differences. People have a hard time relating to those that are different, that don’t follow the same set of rules and expectations.
When Z was small, being social wasn’t a big deal. All toddlers parallel play and it just seemed to others like he didn’t talk because he was shy. It wasn’t odd for me to say “he doesn’t talk much” when someone in public asked him a question. We didn’t really do play-dates because both hubby and I were busy working and our daughters always had something going on. He just wasn’t around a lot of kids his age.
As he got older, it became more apparent. Other kids began looking at him oddly and would only last a few minutes with him before getting bored and walking away. Some kids would ask me why he wasn’t talking and nod sagely when I responded with something like “Oh, he doesn’t talk much” or “He doesn’t know how to talk very well”. Some kids would think he was ignoring them and was rude. I started feeling bad he didn’t have that “best friend” like I had when I was little.
Now that he is approaching the teen years, the differences can’t be ignored. Kids his age will see him and take about 2 seconds to realize something is up and they move away quickly. Younger kids (especially girls) tend to try and “take care” of him. We watch bullies try and figure out if he doesn’t play by the rules because he is cool or because he is weird. We don’t have sleepovers or after school hangouts and have only been invited to a few birthday parties. Adults usually respond in a couple of ways. They may look at me like I am at fault for raising this ill-mannered child. Or they will have some understanding of special needs and look at me with pity. Depending on my mood I will either explain what is going on or simply ignore it and move along.
You see, all of this is really more of an issue for me than for Z. He is perfectly content in his environment. He isn’t necessarily missing these things. He likes to be alone and hates parties. If he understands the reactions of others, it just doesn’t affect him. He’s not interested in pleasing others. He does what he wants to, when he wants to, how he wants to. And this makes him happy. For him, being “social” is parallel play and watching others from across the room. I catch him watching his brother with a small smile sometimes. When other kids are getting rowdy he usually gets fired up because he is feeding off their excitement.
For me, it is a vision of what I had been taught childhood should be. Your kids should meet a bunch of other kids at school and during after school activities. Parents become friends because their kids were friends first. They build an instant squad. I don’t have that and it’s hard for me. It affects me more than it should.
The one constant in Z’s life has been his classmates. The benefit of special education classes are that they are small with mixed grades so the kids are able to create these little social circles. He’s been with several of the same kids and they genuinely like him. The following are just a taste of the types of things I hear from this group.
One of the kids asked me “What does Zach do at home?” I lamely said he plays with his iPad, thinking how lonely and boring he will think Z is. The kid responded with “Lucky!…”
Another came up and said “I have always liked Zach” and looked Z right in the eyes with this look of compassion and concern way beyond his years.
One kid asked me if Z was rich. I laughed and said “No”. The kid’s dad asked why he asked me that and the kid responded with “Well, he owns a horse and rides him all the time!”. Disclaimer: We do not own a horse but at the time Z was doing Horse Therapy at a very discounted special needs rate.
We had put a video of Z playing drums on YouTube and I shared it with his class. After school a kid told me “I didn’t know Zach was a rock star! Wish I was on YouTube!”
Kids always have the advantage of looking at the world with new eyes. Of seeing the good in people. Of looking past stereotypes. They are compassionate and understanding and I cherish the “friendships” Z has made through these classmates.
So next time you read a story about someone with Autism being “anti-social”, take a second to think about it. Most are probably like Z. They don’t mind having someone around, they might even play with others but it is not what defines them. They would be just as happy being by themselves. The person may have communication issues like Z and are unable to answer your questions. The fact you try and speak with them is probably appreciated because not many do. Or it could be that the family of this person may not have been able to nurture relationships due to how hard things are or due to the amount of therapies they attend.
And as always, Z has taught me a lesson. It is okay to be by yourself. It is not your friends that make you who you are. You need to find this out on your own and embrace it. You don’t have to worry about what others may be thinking. Jump for Joy, Laugh Loudly, Smile at Nothing…
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Tilted Axis 