Let’s talk a bit about expectations and learning to be flexible. About understanding tradition and about being okay with modifying that to create your own new traditions. About living life in the moment rather than in the past.
The other day, I opened Facebook and it gave me a bunch of memories all about all of the bad experiences Z and I had at Halloween costume stores. With Halloween right around the corner, we again had a bad experience and this mama bear was taught a valuable lesson in managing my expectations.
First, let me set the stage. If you were like me and had to make your own costumes growing up, you may not know what these stores are like. These are stores that pop up in empty store fronts just for a couple of months before Halloween. They sell costumes for kids and adults. They also have an assortment of accessories. The walls are covered in black cloth with music blasting behind it. There is usually a section for Halloween props (indoor and outdoor). It is pretty much a haunted house with monsters popping out at you and colorful lights blinking.
With typical children, the second Halloween supplies start appearing in stores, they start chatting away about what they want to be for Halloween. Parents may be able to make the costumes themselves or find them online (or in one of these stores). For Z, we are working through two issues with Halloween. He is non-verbal so he just doesn’t have the words to explain what he would want to dress as. The second issue is the conceptual idea of “dressing up”. Things are pretty literal for Z and need to be in front of him at that moment. So me asking the simple question of “What do you want to dress up as for Halloween?” is way beyond his comprehension. He is probably thinking I want him to change his clothes immediately.
When he was younger, this was easy to hide. I selected his outfits, something cute or fun. Everyone loved his costumes and I felt like we were part of things going on. As he got older I really wanted Z to make his own decisions and not be forced into what I wanted him to be. So I thought these stores would be the option. It would be right in front of his face and I would say “Halloween” and “Trick or Treat” before we got there to try and put things in context.
Now, think back to everything I have said about these stores and about his challenges. Isn’t it obvious that things would not go as planned? They are the perfect recipe for creating an issue for Z. Loud noises, blaring music, flashing lights, way too much to look at. And not something that happens year round so we don’t have the opportunity to condition him to what it will be like. We literally go to these stores once a year. But each year I simply forget how badly it went the year before and really want this experience for him (dressing up, trick or treating, etc). All the while, he could really care less and genuinely doesn’t like it.
So here we go, into the store. I have this huge smile on my face like that will make everything go better for Z. He usually gets stuck in the doorway for a second and I just push him through. Then he starts shielding his face with his hands. We call these hands his “friends” and they move around mimicking people talking from left hand to right hand and back. He usually just looks down at the floor and I drag him around pointing at this costume or that costume. He will try to just take the first thing I point at (or the first costume we come across) just to get out of there. But it is usually something he doesn’t even know and I want him to see all options. So I keep pushing him forward. Then the humming starts. When Z gets really uncomfortable he does a sort of low humming (sort of singing?). This is usually my trigger that things are about to turn bad and I need to change his environment.
When he was 7 or 8, he seemed to get excited about one particular costume (the Hulk) and I was so proud that we had taken this great step into a normal childhood. What happened the next year? We went right back to him hating everything and me finally selecting something. What he does seem to enjoy are the padded superhero costumes due to the sensory output they give. But they don’t really make those in adult sizes (unless I want to spend hundreds of dollars…). He especially likes the Hulk and the Minions for some reason. One year I got him to pick out an accessory (Jack Skeleton gloves) to which I figured out the rest of the outfit. Another year, he seemed to like a gangster hat so again I created the outfit from that. This year I tried to have him choose an outfit online since he has been obsessed with Amazon shopping lately (who isn’t?). But he wasn’t interested.
Each year, my expectation is that Z will enjoy this holiday. He will want to pick out an outfit to dress up as his favorite character. He will want to go door to door Trick or Treating. He will want to carve pumpkins and watch Halloween cartoons. He will look forward to October 31st. And each year he has patiently shown me that I need to realign my feelings towards this holiday. Z does not like Halloween. Z does not want to dress up. Z does not want to put up Halloween deco or carve pumpkins. He has no idea October 31st is any different than any other day.
And you know what? All of that is OKAY. Let me say that again.. IT IS OKAY.
Because when all is said and done, we’re talking about a tradition. And traditions are great but they also need to be modified as time goes on. Life changes, the world changes and our traditions need to change with that.
Now, some of you may be saying “But that is what a TRADITION means, to keep doing things the same as they have always been done, for the sake of TRADITION.” I hear ya. I hear ya. I grew up with this mindset and I still believe in it. If things were different, I would still be striving to meet those “traditions”. But what Autism has taught me is that you can basically throw everything you have always known out the window. We cannot plan how even one day will go. We have learned to be flexible and happy with uncertainty in our day. We have learned how to roll with the punches (sometimes literally). Z may wake up in a good mood and we feel confident in going out in the world and within two hours all of that changes and we are huddling in our home just trying to make it to bedtime.
So we focus on the day to day. Halloween will come and go. We will celebrate as best we can with Kanoa (his brother) so he doesn’t lose out but we will try and make our own traditions and stop pushing Z on things he does not want to do. I mean, what we really want is for Z to make his own decisions and live life how he wants to and that is exactly what he is doing.
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Tilted Axis 