A couple months ago I was taking Z to school. Something occurred that I just could not stop thinking about the entire day. I got to see a glimpse into what my world must look like to those around me. And it was scary….
Here’s what happened… In the car behind me was a dad and his kid in the passenger seat. Seemed normal until I saw the kid launch at the dad. The dad had to fend him off (luckily being at a red light). He got him settled and the light turned green. Of course, I am keeping one eye on the road and one behind me in this car. Next, the kid went for the gear shifter (is that what you call in?). The dad again had to fend him off, this time while driving. I then see the passenger door open and the dad reach towards the kid to bring him back in the car. At that point, the dad pulled the car over to the side of the very busy road.
I have been there with Z. Many times. So many times… But I had never really thought about what it must look like from the outside.
What must people be thinking when they see this? Is this kid a bad kid? Do they need to be punished? Is the parent a bad parent? Is this child abuse I am seeing? Why can’t the parent get this under control? If there kid is a problem, why are they in the front seat? Should I notify authorities of these issues they are having? Should I offer my assistance to the parent? And worst of all, is this a child abduction going on?
I could not get these thoughts out of my head. My gut was telling me what I saw was my exact same scenario. This was a simple meltdown I was experiencing. This was Z… But I was judging this dad on a whole bunch of levels and simply being an onlooker instead of offering help.
And as all these judgments swirled around in my head, I realized this is exactly what people are thinking when they see Z and I in public. Z looks absolutely normal, just as this kid did. What’s to stop people from looking at Z like he is a problem child that needs to be punished? What’s to stop people from contacting the authorities on us? How do the authorities know what is going on?
You see, our dirty laundry is often hanging for the whole world to see. Z has full-blown meltdowns in public. He has attacked us in public. I have lost my cool in public. Z has had accidents in public. Most days I look like the walking dead from the lack of sleep and pure stress of our lives. There is no hiding from the world. And here I was getting a glimpse of exactly what that looks like. And it looked crazy, it looked out of control.
And all I could think was that this dad was going to drop his kid off and then would have to continue on with his day. Most likely, he would need to put this behind him and “appear normal”. How many bad days have I had only to show up somewhere and plaster that smile on my face like my life is normal? Would this dad have to go to work and struggle through the day trying to get his work done while lamenting the struggles with his son? Wondering what his kid would be like when he picked him back up? Working on his plan of attack if there were still issues? Could he focus on his work?
Would other people think he was in a bad mood or that he was rude when it was really what happened in his car that was setting him off? Would he take his frustrations out on other people? Would the envy of “normal lives” take over and cause him to truly hate these other people? If someone else got to work and complained about how much traffic they encountered, would he simply roll his eyes and walk away or would he share what HIS morning was like? Or is he just so numb to all of this that he simply puts it behind him and goes about his day?
You never know. You never know what a person has gone through. You never know what has framed their attitude. I can guarantee it is something. Those of us in the special needs community are not alone in this. We all have things that go on in our lives that impact how we treat others, how we see the world.
My charge to all of you is to remember this the next time you see someone having a hard day. Remember that their morning may have started out different than yours. Their lives may have started out different than yours. It is time for us to fully support each other, to fully accept each other.
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Tilted Axis 