Embrace your Differences..

“It is important that he learns how to deal with things he does not want to do.”

Over the last couple of months, I have heard this statement in regards to Z. In fact, we have heard this throughout his whole life. And it bothers me…

Back in ABA times, it revolved around food he did not like or activities he did not want to participate in. He does not like bananas and one of his “opportunities” was to learn to eat them. He would cry and push it away, ultimately ending in a meltdown. We did the same with lunch meat. Instead of seeing it as a food he does not like, it was seen as a control issue and he needed to comply.

During school, he would have behavior issues when eating in the cafeteria. He would get upset when recess was over and he did not get to swing as often as he would have liked due to too many other children taking turns. On hot days, he would have a meltdown if he had to do an outdoor activity. But we pushed through all of that, figuring out ways to make sure he complied.

We have had IEP goals detailing how he will “greet” others. We force him to give hugs to family members or friends. We make sure he says “hello”, “bye”, and “thank you” whether he means it or not.

We do all of this because we see his lack of socialization or following societal rules as a “behavior issue” associated with his Autism. We do this so he can “look normal” when out in public, so he can fit in with society. We do this to break him into compliance so he is easier to work with.

“It is important that he learns how to deal with things he does not want to do.”

Each time I hear this, I think about how it might be detrimental to him finding his own identity. He is told what to eat, how to walk/run, how to enjoy his downtime, how to talk to others. When does he get to do what he wants to do? To treat others how he wants to?

Now, don’t get me wrong. Of course as parents you must guide your young ones as to how to do things. You must show them proper social skills and make sure they treat others fairly. I am on board with that. What I am taking issue with is the amount of pressure we put on Z to conform to what society thinks is “normal”.

Let’s look at this from your perspective. Let’s say you don’t like sushi. You have never tried it before but you know you won’t like it. Your friends invite you to go eat sushi and you simply say “I don’t like sushi.” End of story. Your friends don’t force you to go anyway and “just kiss the sushi”. At some point in your life you have chosen what foods you like or don’t and that is it. Perhaps you may venture beyond your comfort zone and realize you like something you didn’t think you would. But no one is forcing you.

No one is forcing you..

Let’s try another example. Going to concerts, clubs or raves. How many of you think they are really loud? Too many people? Don’t like the type of music they play? Has anyone ever forced you to go and just wear headphones that block out the noise? Tell you to breathe and count to 10 if you get overwhelmed? Told you “It’s just music, it won’t hurt you!” and ignored your pained expression and high anxiety level? No.

“It is important that he learns how to deal with things he does not want to do.”

My point is that most people get to live their life how they desire. No one is developing plans to help them work through an activity. That’s just who they are. How about those people you meet that are mean or annoying. How about that guy who just talks too much during work? Anyone working on their “behavior” or do we just say “Oh, that’s just so and so. That’s how they are to everyone, just ignore them.”

But with Autism we push for perfection. We push for them to be accepted by society and therefore force them to play by the rules. We punish them for having their own mind, for having creativity with life.

And isn’t that what life is about? About enjoying the differences in people? Finding your yin and yang? Isn’t that how we accomplish so many great things? By having a diverse group with “out of the box” thinking coming together on a project? All the great inventions were created by those that society thought were not playing by the rules.

So I encourage you all to embrace differences. Give a different outlook a try. Don’t force change on anyone and do not damper their creativity. Just because you may not understand it doesn’t mean it won’t bring great things. Instead of saying “No, that’s never been done” try saying “Hmm, I wonder if that would work”. And please don’t make anyone eat something they don’t want to eat.

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