Graduations… What comes to mind when you hear this word? Progress, Excitement, Growing Up, New Chapters? It is a rite of passage many look forward to.
I remember my own graduations. Each were so exciting like you were one step closer to being an adult and handling life on your own terms. When each of my step-daughters graduated from high school and then from college, I felt this sense of pride that we had successfully made it that far. I knew their lives would change from that point on.
When Z graduated elementary school, I was so proud and excited. I felt the same elation and pride I had for his sisters. Here he was, going to a new school, with kids his own age.
After a few months, things weren’t going so well. We had a lot of issues with the middle school and Z was also hitting puberty which is a WHOLE other story. We left that school, went through the shutdown, started up at a Charter school and were on a better path.
Now he is in 8th grade and I received a notice for 8th grade graduation pictures. And I took a pause… I had so many emotions and still do and will do my best to put these feelings to words.
You see, “graduating” just doesn’t seem to be our path any longer. It does not bring about the feelings that it should. Z is not excelling at 8th grade level work. He is incapable of doing any “middle school” work. To be honest, he is barely able to complete elementary school leveled work. He is at a preschool/kindergarten level.
I will let that sink in a bit…
So when I saw the notice, it immediately took me back to our first IEP meetings. I was so concerned with the fact that Z was not at his “grade level” and asked what would happen if he got too far behind? I was told that he would never be held back, that he would continue to advance to the next grade level each year, that this was the beauty of his IEP. An Individualized Education Program… Meaning, his education would always be his own path. It took me a few years of fighting my gut but I eventually came onboard with this idea.
As I always say, we are VIP. We have our own plan, our own way of life. Z has dedicated staff to meet his every need. He is a king…
Then the notice came.. And I couldn’t get past the fact that we are celebrating something that may never come to be for Z. Let’s be honest, he may never reach the 8th grade level, let alone a high school level. I felt like we were imposters. Like everyone would look at Z like “who is this kid and why is he here?”.
I went back and forth about doing the 8th grade pictures. I felt required to do this, to have these photos. But it just did not feel good in my soul. It felt like we should not be a part of this. Should he be in this group shot of kids so happy about their success and movement in life? Are we living a lie just for the sake of tradition? Should I be pushing inclusion at this graduation when Z hasn’t even been a part of any 8th grade class?
In the end, we went to the photos. And he had fun and he was doing “big kid” things. And I was the only mom standing next to her child. The only mom that the photographer consulted with about where would be the best placement for Z in the group photo. I got weird looks from the other moms. Z got weird looks from the other kids because they have never seen him in their classes. I felt like an imposter. But as always, Z did not. He laughed and jumped and stood by all of these kids like he was supposed to be there and that melted my heart.
I guess he has had a lot of practice being the “imposter”. Society doesn’t stop or slow down for kids like him. Traditions must be kept at all cost, even if they do not apply to everyone. He is in “8th grade” because of his age. He will be going to high school next year because of his age. And that is just how things work. People need to see completion. Everything must receive a checkbox. Everyone should “graduate” by the time they have done 18 years of school. Never mind that when he ultimately leaves high school he may still be at an elementary level. He may never know how to do multiplication. And that is okay, but not okay.
I don’t know how it should be. I feel like we are pioneers and yet we are not. How many families before us have played this game? Put on those smiles for the big day while grieving inside for the lack of progress and growth? Stood under the sun and celebrated something that won’t change their lives. Z may live with us forever. He may never move out, hold a real job, make his own food. But here we are applauding his “efforts”.
I don’t know what the answer is here. I am sure not all of you agree with me. That some of you are reading this and will tell me to keep up hope, that Z has a bright future. I still believe in him. But not on the same pace as society. He might be 40 and be able to finally write me a sentence independently and I will celebrate that just as if he graduated.
And maybe that is the silver lining in all of this. Many people graduate high school and that is the last celebration they will ever have. They will go into the workforce and move along with their life. But Z will have a thousand graduations. Because we celebrate EVERY SMALL STEP. Because each step is beautiful and unexpected and something worth celebrating.
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Tilted Axis 