Birthdays are a celebration of the past year and the year to come. People are usually hopeful and excited. There are several birthdays that mean something special. At thirteen, you officially become a “teen”. At 18, you are considered an adult and can vote. At 21, you can drink. Along the way are milestones such as graduations, licenses to drive, staying at home alone, getting your first job.
When Z was 1 years old, we had no idea what was to come for him. We were still living in an ignorant bubble. We had a huge party for him (as many parents do). All of our friends and family were there. Z wasn’t super excited that day but we didn’t think much of it. He’s only 1 years old.. He eventually fell asleep. I made everyone sing “Happy Birthday” together even though he was asleep. I thought all of these things had to happen at a 1st birthday party.
The next birthdays were calmer as we discovered Z really didn’t want anyone to be in his house, playing with his toys. By this point, we were seeing differences in Z from other children his age. In the back of our heads we knew something may be wrong but we were moving along with our busy lives. I made him a cake each year and would agonize for a week before trying to figure out how to decorate it for him.
Then he was diagnosed and things made total sense. He can’t handle a lot of loud noises or a lot of people in the same room. He would open one present and want to play with it for hours, leaving all of the other presents sitting there. He did not like eating cake.
So we let him lead the way. We did not have parties for him. We let him open his presents over the course of weeks. We took him to aquariums since he loves fish and water. He would eat the same dinner he eats and pretty much keep the day about the same.
You see, for Z, change is hard. Even if the change means that it is a party and you do not have responsibilities that day. Decorations and balloons (while extremely fun) become overwhelming after a few hours. Z does not like to be the center of attention and is not very affectionate. We’ve learned to give him space, not get our feelings hurt if he is not super excited about the day. We allow him to give us weird looks for how excited we are.
The last couple of years, I stopped making him a cake. While he enjoyed watching me and would smile at the end result, he hates cake. Blowing out candles is difficult for him and is a lot of pressure with everyone watching. Then he would have this slice of cake that he hated. So I figured out what he really likes and that is cookies. And that doesn’t even mean that I am making homemade cookies. Sometimes he doesn’t like those if the bottom is too dark or they are misshapen. So we buy store cookies. And my heart hurts each year buying those store cookies because I feel they are not special enough.
Z has taught me many things and one of them is that someone’s birthday should be spent how they want. Do they not want any changes to their day? You got it. Do they want to eat cheese and crackers and cookies? You got it. Is the deco a bit too much after a few hours? Take it down (even if it took you longer than a few hours to put up). Did you plan a party but they wake up in a bad mood wanting to be alone? Cancel that party. Did you buy tickets to the aquarium and he only wants to spend 10 minutes there? Count it as the best 10 minutes of the day.
It is not about you. It is not about what society thinks should be a “birthday”. It is a day to celebrate how far that person has come in the last year. It is a day to be hopeful for the next year. It is not a day to think about milestones being missed. It is a day to enjoy where you exist on your path.
And I think this goes beyond Z’s autism. I know many neuro-typical people that struggle on their birthday. Struggle with getting a year older, with where they are at in their life at that moment. And I want to say to all of those people that it is okay. Each person is on their own timeline and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Celebrate how far you have come and truly see what you have accomplished. Look forward to the next year, it will be great. Sure there will be hard times, there always will. But celebrate the small steps and be happy in your own success.
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Tilted Axis 