My friend Envy..

I want to introduce you to my good friend Envy…

I fight with Envy all the time. She is there when I wake up at 2am to take care of my 10 year old. I sit and think about all those parents that breathe a sigh of relief when their babies start sleeping through the night. I think about all the people with no kids that only have themselves to blame for their wacky sleep schedules.

She is there when I am sitting through yet another ABA session, speech session, OT session, IEP session, IPP session, doc appt… I sit there thinking about the parents so busy with running their kids around to ballet, piano lessons, soccer practices, baseball games, playdates… I think what I wouldn’t give to have those problems. To have THAT hectic schedule.

She is there when I am posting about Z stacking blocks at age 6, writing his name at age 8, barely understanding addition at age 10. I think about her when the next post I see in my feed is a video of someone’s kid talking at 2.

She is there at the market when kids are trying to get their mom’s attention saying “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy” and the mom looks annoyed. What I wouldn’t give to hear Z even once initiate calling me “ma” or “mom” or “momma” or “mommy”. I would take any of those even once.

She is there when I see families vacationing somewhere exotic. The thought of putting Z on a plane is enough to give me an anxiety attack. And forget the kids, when I see parents take off for a getaway weekend by themselves, she is there. We have never left Z for longer than 1 night and I was freaked out the whole time (and we didn’t go far… just in case…).

She is there when I see friends/family having baby after baby, knowing they didn’t have to think a very big possible what-if of making it twice the problem it already is. And also think how can they have that many with no issues and I got hit with it the first time around? What is wrong with me?

She is there when people get raises/bonuses and talk about all the fun they are going to have with it because hey, they worked hard for it. Wanna know what I think? Hmmm, what type of therapy can we pay for now? What medical bill can we pay off?

But you know what? She is NOT there when I get to spend this much dedicated time on my son’s future success. I know I will play a part in that, not her. She is NOT there when I can still get so super excited about every little thing my kid does because I know just how hard he worked for that. She is NOT there when I get a small opening in his little world during that 5 seconds of eye contact and the sheer excitement I get from being a part of that. She is NOT there when I realize I am part of this amazing community of amazing parents. And lets face it… she is NOT there when I get to park in a handicap spot in a crowded parking lot. 🙂

So as you can see, it is a love/hate relationship I have with Envy. She can tear me down if I let her but shhh don’t tell her, she is NOT going to win without a fight!

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