Changing Expectations

Let’s talk about how expectations affect our reactions to scenarios and people in life. Modifying your expectations can do wonders for your mood and outlook on life. Expectations play a huge role in our Autism world so I’d like to walk you through our transformation.

We will start at the beginning.. Autism parents have a unique grief when it comes to the child they “lost”. When you are pregnant, you connect with that growing baby right away. You imagine the life you will have with that baby and you can’t help but get excited about the journey you are sure to have. Your baby finally arrives and they are exactly what you imagined (well… maybe more stinky). Anyways, things go smoothly for the first couple of years. Your baby is amazing! They are surpassing the milestones and you can’t help but plan their life. How easy their life will be because they are so smart and above their peers. You compare their success against other babies you interact with and feel you have the advantage. You imagine the friends you both will have and the adventures you will take. You are such a lucky mom! Then you start to notice things…

Huh… he used to be able to say “ball”… he used to make eye contact… he used to learn new things.. he’s no longer meeting the established “milestones”..

So you start bringing up concerns during the doctor visits.. you start getting referred to all these places…. family and friends start making worried comments.. your heart is slowly breaking with each appointment, with each sympathetic look from these professionals and loved ones.. You spend hours and resources looking for answers while afraid to hear a certain answer. You envision this must just be a blip, they are just behind, “boys are slower”, maybe if you just spent more time with them. And finally (in our case, years later), you receive the diagnosis.

And BAM.. that grief hits your gut. This is NOT going to be the life you expected. This is NOT going to be the kid you expected. In fact, you lose the ability to have expectations. Nothing about Autism allows you to know your future. Each day, each hour is filled with uncertainty. I could not tell you what mood Z will be in for the next hour.

Remember how you planned those “play dates” in your mind while pregnant? That becomes harder and harder to work with as your child ages. Remember how you joked about not looking forward to school dropoffs and pickups? You now find yourself segregated from the rest of the students since your kid is unable to walk by himself. You now have to get all gussied up since you can’t just remain in your car with your PJs. Remember how you assumed your child would move out of your house at 18 and you would have to worry about “empty nest”? Well, we aren’t there yet and really have no way of telling what our nest will look like.

“You live in the moment instead of the future.”

Autism is about changing directions and modifying your life. So you change and adapt. You live in the moment instead of the future. You cheer for EVERY small achievement your child does because you know how hard they worked. You burn your copy of “what to expect”. You begin to see your child as the teacher. You become a part of a community that stands together even though we all have slightly different experiences. A community that expects CHANGE in the WORLD. And in the end, you realize your expectations didn’t change that much because you always expected you would be fully dedicated to your child and their success and, if anything, that has only been amplified by your situation.

Copyright 2019. All Rights Reserved.