You get real good at hiding it. At compartmentalizing.
We go through seasons within our special needs family. At times, everything is going great and progress is being made. These are the best of times and the times we secretly recharge our batteries. But we all know eventually what is coming. The regression, the “new” behavior, the medical issues, the “worst case scenario”.
And when it comes, we may not be ready for it. It may come like a thief in the night, stealing our good times right out from under us. We can’t show this surprise, we have to show we are ready. We put the armor back on and charge right into the thick of it.
You may not know we have this armor on. You may not know we just barely took it off moments before we came into contact with you. We may look a bit disheveled (don’t we always?) but we have the smile on our face. We are able to keep up with the conversation. We often get our job done (with an amazing work ethic). We get our groceries, pay our bills, pack the lunches. All with a smile.
Because we’ve gotten good.
It doesn’t happen overnight. The first few battles do surprise us. We struggle to come back to normal. We struggle to concentrate on others. The envy of those with “easy lives” wins over. We lose the zest, lose the smile and fall behind. Because we can’t believe this is our life. We can’t believe we will ever go back to the good times. We fall down a rabbit hole of “what ifs” and lose touch with reality.
The reality that our kids are back to normal. Our kids are functioning and thriving. Sometimes immediately after a meltdown. They have moved on and are not going to get caught up in the “feelings” of the episode. Their body became dysregulated and then it was regulated. They actually start looking at you like “why are you trippin’?”
So you gradually learn. You learn to calm your own body (quickly). You learn to take a deep breath and put that smile back on. You learn to not take anything that happened personally. You learn to put one foot in front of the other.
And the amazing thing that happens is this refresh starts happening in other areas of your life. Your mind is able to compartmentalize what needs to happen at that moment in the day. You are at work? You get the job done. You are at a party? You have a great time. You are at the grocery store? You easily meal plan and remain in your budget. You have an IEP meeting? You advocate like you never have before.
Compartmentalizing is not about forgetting what happened. It’s still there in its own compartment. You might revisit at a later time (usually late at night on the floor in your kitchen when the tears finally come). But it can be a short visit. You focus on NOW. There is no one hour ago or tomorrow. What do you have to do NOW? That is what is getting done with 100% of your faculties in place.
This may sound lonely (and crazy) and it definitely is. We know it is. We wish we could scream to the world what we just went through. We wish to show our armor with all the imperfections. And sometimes we find that special person we can be “real” with. And that feels amazing.
You find your outlets, you have to or you will explode and that only brings back the need for the armor. Some of us write, some of us sing, some of us have a confidante, some of us meditate or pray, some of us are artists, some of us are fitness junkies. Most of us do a little of all of this. Different battles call for different outlets.
So when you see the smile. You see the over-achieving. You see how “put together” we are. Just know that the messy box is there. It’s in the back corner. The armor is always available. Always polished and ready. Always being improved and modified for maximum results. It might still be hidden under our suit, our sundress, our workout outfit. Perhaps even peeking out if we had to cover it too quickly.
But our focus is strong. Our focus remains on the end goal of supporting our child and family. On making the world a better place. On being the voice they don’t have. And the only way you do this is by putting one foot in front of the other. By keeping the armor ready but not letting it weigh you down. You are invincible in this armor. You are strong and capable. You have won so many battles and will win so many more. You are enough.
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